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29th March 2008
Off I go
This will prolly be the last time I post for a while. My laptop died and we don't know when we'll even get internet at the new house. :
Was really hoping to get something else done (Like the next chapter of TIA or Etou House).
17th March 2008
Almost a year later...
*sigh* So what's happened since I last posted... :
Charlie diedin October. It got to the point where even I couldn't let him keep suffering. I still hate the thought of putting animals to sleep and I don't mind saying I had a pretty bad breakdown over it. That probably why I dissapeared off the face of the net.
My sister finally got the puppy she wanted. I will admit I was pretty bitter about it at first, but Lizzy's one of the most loving dogs I'd ever seen. When we got her from the pound she was the size of a dachsound puppy so we thought she'd be pretty small. We quickly found out she was part, if not mostly, greyhound since shot shot up quite a bit (The most common description was "Weiner dog on stilts") She's also a ninja. She has this way of getting through closed doors and sneaking up on people, even with a jingly collar. She also uses her paws to grab things in a way I've never seen a dog do before. When she grabs you, she crosses her paws so you can't shake her off easily.
In less than two weeks my finacee and I are starting a farm in tennesse with my future sister in law and her family. I. Am. Freaked. I nkow everyone else loves the small town atmosphere, but I grew up in NYC for crying out loud. I like crowds and being able to hide in them. I like feeling secure in being agnostic, and not feel like I have to lie about so we won't be lynched. I like the sounds of the city , and I hate waking up to bird chirping (weird, I know. I dont mind them when I'm awake, but I'd rather be woken up to almost any other sound)
The thing is, I know if I tell my finace I don't want to go, he won't. And that's why I can't ask him. He wants this so much and I figure I have to at least give it a try. If I'm still miserable as I think I'm going to be, then we'll see what happens. But everytime he or antoher member of his family smles at me and tells me how much they can tell I want to go, I want to wring their necks, because it's not true.
I promised myself I wouldn't use this as a forum to whine, so on to something happier.
I just teamed up with one of my sister's friends and beat her and another friend in beer pong twice in a row. And no I didnt drink any, my partner did (for those who don't know me personally, I don't drink at all. I have no objections to throwing ping pongs balls into cups though)
And yes I am still working on TIA. It just...won't write. I'm thinking of switching to the werewolf story for a while and see if that works better.
15th June 2007
After long talks with my parents and proof that Charlie : is
doing better, they've decided to call off killing him, at least for now ^.^
14th June 2007
It hasn't even been a week since Uncle Tom's funeral. :
Mom's made an appointment to put Charlie to sleep tommarrow.
God how arrogant are we, the human race. Who are we to say when it's an animals time has come. Yes Charlie's an old rabbit. Yes, he's been sick. Yes, he has arthritis. I also know a lot of old sick people with arthritis, both my parents in fact. Heck Dad has a harder time walking than Charlie. Does that mean we should be putting him to sleep too?
'Put to sleep'. Sounds so gentle, like he's dreaming. "End his suffering' like we're helping him. If you're going to do say it. You're KILLING him. Yes he's suffering. And he's fighting. As hard as it is he's not giving up, instead doing his best each day. Who the hell are we to tell him that his efforts were completely pointless?
Tonight I making a special dinner with all his favorite foods. Tomorrow, well, I'm seriously considering just opening the door and letting him run away. If he doesn't, I'm going to spend the day with Peter. As much as I want to be with Charlie for his last moments, this isn't something I can be a party to.
Mom said not to cry because we're going out to dinner tonight.
Why won't anyone let me cry.
9th June 2007
It's days like today I wish I was in a coma
It's been almost a week since Uncle Tommy died (if you've been wondering where I am, yeah that's the reason) and I'm almost at my breaking point. :
I just need some time to myself to get my head straight, and I'm not even allowed to have that. Everyone copes with grief differently and as I said I need some time away from people. However I haven't had any time to myself since we got the news. I keep getting dragged into a social situations in attempts by my family to find closure. I'm not finding closure, I'm having wounds continually ripped open.
We're staying with another Aunt and Uncle during this time and while I love my Aunt dearly, I always feel I'm being judged by my uncle and found lacking. He's never bothered to hide the fact that he doesn't like our family. And I really wish he didn't feel the need to remind me my rabbit is dying of cancer when I'm still grieving the uncle who died of cancer.
The last straw: I lost my engagement ring.
I was putting some flea medicine on Charlie (the rabbit) and my hands got irritated so I couldn't wear my ring for a few days. When I went to put it on this morning, it wasn't where I left it.
I'm going home on sunday and I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't find it. How am I going to tell Peter?
I'm sorry to say I've fallen back on one of my bad coping mechanisms. I've turning my emotions off. I can't really feel anything now, I know this is a bad idea and that when the floodgates break it's going to be bad, but I don't care anymore (actually at the moment I can't care).
Maybe by the time the floogates break, I won't be surrounded by people who won't let me cry.
8th May 2007
The problem with M rated games.
Frustration is always having a parent enter the room when you're about to play Digital Devil Saga, because you really don't want to explain to your parents why you're playing a game where the heroes are cannibalistic demons. :
C'est la Guarre
9th April 2007
I have always had very little in the way of peace of mind. Yesterday that was supposed to change. Yesterday I told my Mom I was getting married. It should have been a happy occasion. Should have.
I heard Mom talking to Peter ( my fiance) afterwards while I was playing with Joey (his five year old nephew). I wasn't eavesdropping so I didn't know what was being said. Stupid me thought it was something along the lines of 'Take care of my Daughter'.
Turns out she telling him that I was irresponsible and had a $48,000 college debt.
I have never felt so betrayed in my life. Can I not celebrate happiness for even one day with life reminding me how much I suck. And worse that it was the one person in the world I trusted more than anyone else.
Peter has been so...perfect. He's helping me with organizing my loans and coming up with ways to prove I'm responsible to Mom and Dad. I don't know what I'd do without him.
Tonight I'm going to have a talk with Mom. And I think it's going to turn into our first real fight. All my life I've loved her, even idolized her. But right now, it's going to take all I have to forgive her.
13th November 2006
Dad doesn't understand!
Yes I am aware of how much the title sounds like a whiny teenager. But thats the heart fof the problem. My father diesn't understand. And Unfortuantly it's something important he doesn't understand. :
Or rather my internship. My unpaid internship.
The job market isn't as nice as when Dad was young. No one
will give a fresh-outta-college kid a job. The intership will give me the experiance I need to get a paying job. But all Dad sees is the lack of paychecks. He wants me to quit my job and report the company to the BBB for not paying me.
End result of that...I'm back to spending my free time reading classifieds and watching monster waiting for soemthing to come up, no experiance ad no job.
He says it's because we can't afford for me to not have a paycheck. I might be more worried about that if not for three things.
was the one who decided to retire a year ahead of schedule and didn't even bothing thingking of how we were going to keep going
2) Social secuirty is giving my sister something around 800 a month.
3) He stayed up late saturday night with Mom and some family friends planning a cruise to the Bermuda's next year.
But I have to give up my intership and hope for retail work at the best because we're short on money?!
27th May 2006
I've Been tagged
Tagged by : yutaya
Sadly there's no real story behind by User name. I took Phantom From Danny Phantom and Kaiti from Kaito Kuroba (of DC/MK fame) and smooshed them. I had recently ditched Billie_Jukes as an alias (though my FF.N Account still uses that name) And I was trying to avoid someone who knew my Chiren DeCimal name (Chiren DeCimal is my alter ego, as pictured in this icon. Now THAT name had a story behind it.)
And Yutaya, if you ever want to chat for the sake of chatting, just start a thread on your LJ, and I'll reply
I suck at starting conversations
*rubs hand together* Who Shall I tag?obervant_mooseskyechankieran_aisling
17th April 2006
I saw the cutest little mouse today. It was a tiny thing, about the size of my thumb and white with one black ear. It was adorable! :
Unfortunatly it was under my little sister's bed and she's not as...taken with him as I am (translations she on the phone crying to Mom.)
Mom says we may have to get traps and kill him ;.; I don't wanna kill Mickey (yes, I named him)
31st March 2006
Fic Swap: Pearl
Author: Phantom_Kaito :
Disclaimer:No own no sue
Challange: Detective Boys
Pairings: Onesided AyumiConan and MitsuhikoAi( PearlCollapse )
14th February 2006
Anyone have a spare opinon?
Working on my class portfolio. Opinions are much appreciates (What do you like, what needs to be fixed etc.) : Linkies
Also if you go to my school, please don't cheat by gawking the programming samples for classwork. Thank You
6th November 2005
And so one of the best weekends of my life comes to a close... :
This weekend was Neko-con, my first anime convention ever. I loved the panels and workshops. Most of the costumes were awesome, and got to see some old friends I haven't seen in forver (Meesh, Aislen, Babbs)
Also made some new ones, most notably Hoshi_Ryo
who I met at a panel on downloading Anime. It was she who intrduced me to the awesome sport of Ed-baiting.
I also discovered somethign very interesting at Neko-con. My little sister is extremely phobic of cosplayers! She saw a few on Friday when we went to get our badges and refused to return to the buildng on Saturday or Sundy.
And, surprise of surprises, Mom picked up Meg's bage and actually went. I think it was an attempt to understand me better, since she doesn't quite get anime. She sat in on one of the panels and confessed to enjoying herself. So much so that she suggested joining me next year!
Also saw detective Acdemy Q for the first time. Kyu rocks! He's like Conan on Happy pills!
28th October 2005
Today was my final day at Target. Starting next week I start my new and better job at GameStop. I can't wait, i'm going to love working there. :
I've made no secret my feeling that I disliked working at target. it wasnm't someplace I cared for, or (i got the feeling) a place that particularly cared for me. I was practically adancing when I walked in knowing today was my last day.
When I left i could barely keep from crying.
Yeah the work was hard at times, the policys annoying and the head manager a spawn from hell itself. And I wanted to kill some of the customers.
But I met so many good people there to. Brian, who intordced me to my current RPG group and woul joke with me about napalming any reshop that wasn't put up by closing. Lauren, who helped me out when I had an asthma attack on the job and convinced me to go home instead of being stupid and waiting for it to pass. Sandra, who always let me know when I did a good job instead of just expecting me to do it. Steven and morgan, two of the coolest closing managers ever. And Emanual, Lawanda, Shaina, Jimmy, Jimmy, Kawaida, Amanda...
I could go on forever.
I not exactly going far, I mean my new jobs in the same shopping center. But I guess it just hadn't hit me that I'm not going to be part of the team anymore. I'm going to miss everyone so much!
Dammit, now I am crying.
Farewell Target T1225. I'm going to miss you.
29th August 2005
Anyone whose knows me perasonally has heard me say this on occaision -> My dad is not computer savvy. :
Being a tchno geek this has on occaion frusterated me beyong belief, resulting in anything varying from eyerolls to suggestions he enroll himself in a microaps course at my college.
"How do I stop the spyware checker from running?"
"Hit the cancel button" ie-the only button visable on the screen (Why does he want to stop it?)
"I got a new website!"
"No Dad, you got a new email address."
"They're not the same?"
Normally i don't let it get to me too much, but today takes the cake! First he calls me in to ask if a pop up advertising a free laptop was legit. *rolls eyes*
But we he did aftrwards (which I only found out after the fact) ARGGGGGGGGGG. He saw a "find your old high school classmates" pop-up, clicked on it, and filled out a form. Which included personal informatioj, like his CREDIT CARD NUMBER, *whaps head*
I've always known he wasn't computer savvy, but this borders on purew stupidity. We're skating on thin ice as it is, we can't afford an identity theft incident!
I'm starting a motion to ban Dad from the computer. Ineptitude is one thing but ARGGGGGGGGGG
8th August 2005
Yay for the Vermont Lady!!!!
"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people. I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny." :
My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.
He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.
In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.
You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.
At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.
If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?
A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."
You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.
He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.
You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.
How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.
The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"
Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that? "
(pass it on)
Stupid homophobes and religeous agendas. Whatever happened to "love Thy Neighbor", "Thou shalt not kill", stuff like that? I mean come on peeps! Don't toot you higher religeous morality when you can't keep to the basics of your own belief system
4th August 2005
Being reminded why I'm agnostic
True Story. A religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money. The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage. The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholisim is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshiped Satan. A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too.
If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness.
Despite popular belief, I am straight. Most of my friends however are G/L/B. It pisses me off no end when I hear about people like this teacher. I'm very protective of my friends, they're good people I know I can count on and if I'm going to hell for believing that, then bring on the sulfur Baby!!!!
2nd August 2005
Never Trust your Travel agent
Title: Vacation from WTF :
Rating: R (for Nny being Nny (this means graphic violence, gore, and disturbingness))
x-posted to manycases1truth
Most of Nny's dialog comes from JTHM #3 - A Bad Man. Been trying to think of a way to bring Nny and Conan together for a while now (The uncatchable killer and the ultimate detective) and it just hit me. A lot darker than what I usually write, it scares me. Prolly gonna delete this.
And Yes I know Conan's rabidly OOC at the end. I blame this on the Derry effect. Or whatever's behind Nny's wall, either works.( Tuesdays mean UFOsCollapse )
*quietly files this under "Why the freak did I write this." and hides under the covers*